we had a long week last week. everyone got the flu. it started with my husband. then my son. then me. fever and cough and aching and just plain miserable.
my husband never used to get sick. when he was drinking. now he has been dry for 3 months (yeah!) and really didn't like getting the flu. he was running a temp of almost 104 and coughing and tired. then as he started to get better my son and i got sick. now, in the old days, he would have been drinking everyday, probably wouldn't have even gotten sick, and we would not have seen him the entire week. now, we were stuck together, trapped in our apartment, tired and miserable. but we survived. we made it. and so much of that is because we are changing.
i didn't have to feel like the world would end if i didn't take care of his every need. i learned that he is a grown man, and when he is sick i can offer help and support, but i don't need to make doctors appointments and make him take medicine. he can do that for himself. and i don't need to feel guilty when i get sick. and i learned that i have to take care of myself when i get sick too. i slept an entire day when i had the fever. seriously, til 5 pm! i would NEVER have done that before. i would have felt surely that the world would end if i didn't get up and take care of everyone around me. i am learning that i can care about everyone without TAKING CARE of everyone, especially when i need to take care of myself! and my son can help take care of himself too! and he survived me being sick, while he was sick himself.
before al-anon and my new way of living and looking at things, this flu would have been as emotionally stressful as physically. but i let go. i gave it to God, to my HP. i knew i was powerless, and i didn't let my life become unmanageable. so what if we got behind on the laundry and the cleaning and we were all miserable for a week. we watched movies and played games and took care of OURSELVES while caring for each other.
a crazy blessing. influenza and a new outlook on life. and i am getting the hang of this step 3 thing. letting go.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
okay, i am not alone
wow. as soon as i really started looking at step 3, and thinking about what this means to me and feeling frustrated with this step, my HP steps in and lets me know i am not alone in this.
everywhere i turn i see that other people have struggled, and still are, with this step as well. at my meeting on tuesday night i heard a great lead, and although there was a lot with this lead i didn't really relate too, i could completely relate to the discussion of learning to find our HP and the struggle with "letting go". and in several of the comments around the room this continued to resonate. lots of people struggle with this. that gives me comfort. it really does. to know that i am not alone in this. and that it is possible to get there. to learn to let go. because others have done it. they struggled, and finally got there.
in "courage to change" for the last two days the focus has been on this as well. today's reading in particular, just what i needed! (doesn't God always work that way, if we take the time to be aware and listen?)
from "courage to change" for feburary 28.
"Turning over my will and my life to the care of a Higher Power (Third Step) is an ongoing process. At first I surrendered only the big problems. I felt I had no choice -- I was clearly powerless, and my best efforts had let me down. There was no where left to turn except to a Power greater than myself who could accomplish what I could not. As my recovery progressed, I came to trust this Higher Power.........Faith takes practice."
a few things really stick out from this. ongoing process. i like knowing that. it doesn't just "happen." it is a process. an ongoing one. just like all the other steps. and that starting with the big things is a great place to start. and that as recovery progresses, trust will come. and practice, faith, like all good things, takes practice.
i am beginning to see why i struggle with this step. i feel like i have been let down so much for so long, i am really afraid to trust. to trust in a Higher Power. to trust my loved ones. to trust myself. if i don't let go and trust, then i can't be let down. that's it. that is why i struggle with this so much. fear and trust.
wow. okay. that is a good place to start.
everywhere i turn i see that other people have struggled, and still are, with this step as well. at my meeting on tuesday night i heard a great lead, and although there was a lot with this lead i didn't really relate too, i could completely relate to the discussion of learning to find our HP and the struggle with "letting go". and in several of the comments around the room this continued to resonate. lots of people struggle with this. that gives me comfort. it really does. to know that i am not alone in this. and that it is possible to get there. to learn to let go. because others have done it. they struggled, and finally got there.
in "courage to change" for the last two days the focus has been on this as well. today's reading in particular, just what i needed! (doesn't God always work that way, if we take the time to be aware and listen?)
from "courage to change" for feburary 28.
"Turning over my will and my life to the care of a Higher Power (Third Step) is an ongoing process. At first I surrendered only the big problems. I felt I had no choice -- I was clearly powerless, and my best efforts had let me down. There was no where left to turn except to a Power greater than myself who could accomplish what I could not. As my recovery progressed, I came to trust this Higher Power.........Faith takes practice."
a few things really stick out from this. ongoing process. i like knowing that. it doesn't just "happen." it is a process. an ongoing one. just like all the other steps. and that starting with the big things is a great place to start. and that as recovery progresses, trust will come. and practice, faith, like all good things, takes practice.
i am beginning to see why i struggle with this step. i feel like i have been let down so much for so long, i am really afraid to trust. to trust in a Higher Power. to trust my loved ones. to trust myself. if i don't let go and trust, then i can't be let down. that's it. that is why i struggle with this so much. fear and trust.
wow. okay. that is a good place to start.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
hey, that's my bad mood, give it back
i was recently in a bad mood. just your average, run of the mill, not every day is great, bad mood. and my husband was trying to take it over.
this is one of the great new lessons i have learned since i started going to al-anon and recognizing my codependence: i don't own your emotions and you don't own mine. now, healthy people may think that's nuts. but i was tangled. i had no idea where my emotions ended and my alcoholic husband's emotions began. after years of taking on his problems, moods, issues, and making them mine, and trying to fix them, or enable them, or avoid them, or all the other crazy controlling things i was doing, i lost me. i didn't see it. but i was all tangled up. my emotions were his. my moods were his. everything was a mess.
like a unsolved rubik's cube.
all messed up.
no clarity. no consistency.
just one big mess.
so i have this vision. this idea as i am thinking about the steps and my Higher Power and boundaries and emotions and all this and i get it.
this analogy. our emotions are like rubik's cubes.
bear with me here. it makes sense in a bit. this is sort of like a stream of consciousness thing, and i am getting it out as best i can.
so we all start with one. a nice, clear, cube. all the colors to their own sides. maybe white is for peace and serenity. maybe red is love. and green is gratitude. and blue is happiness and joy and yellow is energy and enthusiasm and orange is free thought and forgiveness. and we keep our cube on a little shelf. and it is ours. and we know just where it is. and sometimes, life gets crazy, and we take it off the shelf and we start playing with these emotions, and just a few turns of the cube and we don't have solid colors anymore, and we see sides that represent anger or frustration, guilt and pity, or depression or loss of control. and healthy people see this, see what they are doing, and STOP. they look at their cube. sometimes they see the solution right away and fix it, and place it back on the shelf. other times they may set it down, still a bit messy, and come back to it later with a clear head and solve it. other times, they see that the solution isn't clear, and they need help. they call on their Higher Power, and ask for guidance. sometimes all that is need is a suggestion from HP. "turn it twice on that side, and now once on the other. there you go. you got it now. and remember i'm here anytime you need." or sometimes, they just say "hey HP, seems i've gotten this a bit messy, i am just going to hand it over to you, okay?" and HP takes it and turns and twists, and then it's all fixed. sometimes it takes awhile, but the healthy person has faith and knows that in time, HP will restore it.
okay, you with me so far? now, here is where things get crazy.
the unhealthy person. the codependent person. we have our cube. and maybe, just maybe, there was a time in our life we handled it with the same love and respect that the healthy person does. maybe not. maybe we can't remember.
and where the insanity starts is hard to identify. but it starts somewhere. maybe we see someone, an alcoholic perhaps, our loved one, fiddling and twisting and making a big mess out of their cube. and we just know that they are only going to make it worse. "geez. would you give me that please. i can FIX it." and maybe they hand it over willingly, or maybe we tug a bit, and convince them that we CAN fix it. or maybe, they were drunk and left their cube outside, or threw it away, or whatever. so we feel we need to step in and take the cube.
so now we have their cube. and we are turning and twisting and maybe, just maybe, we get one clear side, or a few lines look good, or whatever, and we hand it back, a bit better, and then that is just the beginning.
now we, little by little, become obsessed with their cube. we see them messing it up again, and we grab it and start working on it. and we may think we ask our HP to help with this cube, that isn't ours, and we don't hear it when HP says, " i can only help YOU with YOUR cube" because we are so distracted and tangled and caught up in fixing this cube, that isn't ours. and so what is happening to our cube? the one we have been neglecting? maybe the alcoholic saw it sitting on our shelf. ignored. and we were so busy with theirs, they said, hey, what the heck, i'll mess with this one a bit. or maybe we were getting frustrated with them asking for their cube back, and we were soooooo close to fixing it, we turned and said "here, have mine for a bit. i've almost got yours figured out." woah! what is going on here? this is getting really messy.
have you ever had two rubik's cubes at the same time. a mess. and being passed around? after a few minutes you don't know which one is which. they are both a mess. so you start tossing them back and forth, convinced you can solve them, fix them. sometimes you have both. sometimes the alcoholic has both. imagine if he has both at the same time and he's drunk. crap. then you have to go get them. take over. start trying to solve them and fix them and .............
never gonna work. never gonna get better like this.
stop.
"i need MY cube back please." if you sit with them for a bit, and start listening to your HP, you begin to FEEL which one is yours again. you may have lost that for a long time, but the heart always knows. so you get your cube back. and now they have theirs.
hmmmm. okay. so once everyone has their own cube again, we have to relearn how to handle it. how to show it love and respect. and that in order to get it solved, we can't do it on our own. we need our HP. and we should only be handling our own cube. no one else's. this can be hard to remember. and just because we may start to get this doesn't mean the alcoholic will. maybe they are going to get mad because they want our cube back, or don't like the responsibility of taking care of their own cube. they don't know how to as much as we don't. but we can't do it for them. and we can't let them mess with our cube either. to each his own. and his own HP.
so now i get this. i recently got my cube back. and it's still a mess. i've been playing with it. it was gone for so long, i am becoming familiar with it again. it has a few scratches and nicks that i don't remember being there. it has been out of my care for far too long. and the other day, i was getting frustrated with my cube, and my husband saw this. and reached out to take it from me. and i almost let him. then i stopped. just like a healthy person (yeah!!!) and said, "no. this is mine. you don't own it. you don't own my emotions. i'm working on this. you tend to yours, okay?"
wow. and just like that, he let go. a revelation for him too.
we all OWN our OWN emotions.
now that i get this. now that i have my emotions back. my cube. where do i go from here?
i know, step 3. call in HP. this is where i am stuck. i got step 1. way unmanageable cube, and i am recognizing i am so powerless over everyone else's cube, and now i see i am powerless over mine as well. and step 2, i am coming to believe that i can't fix mine on my own and that i want it restored. that my HP will restore it, and me to sanity. to nice solid sides. (even as i am typing this is sinking in so much more) i need my HP.
that's it though. my being stuck. it has been so long. i don't even know what my HP is anymore. what this means to me. so many ideas about God and spirit and faith. old and new. and now, i don't quite know what i believe or where to place my faith or how to do this.
do i just set it on the shelf and say, "listen HP, i'm turning this over to you. i can't fix it. i know i have been gone for a long time. and i know i am not even sure how to believe in you, but here. it's all i have right now. it's a step. i am letting go. i am letting God."
can that really be it?
step out in faith, child.
just let go.
this is one of the great new lessons i have learned since i started going to al-anon and recognizing my codependence: i don't own your emotions and you don't own mine. now, healthy people may think that's nuts. but i was tangled. i had no idea where my emotions ended and my alcoholic husband's emotions began. after years of taking on his problems, moods, issues, and making them mine, and trying to fix them, or enable them, or avoid them, or all the other crazy controlling things i was doing, i lost me. i didn't see it. but i was all tangled up. my emotions were his. my moods were his. everything was a mess.
like a unsolved rubik's cube.
all messed up.
no clarity. no consistency.
just one big mess.
so i have this vision. this idea as i am thinking about the steps and my Higher Power and boundaries and emotions and all this and i get it.
this analogy. our emotions are like rubik's cubes.
bear with me here. it makes sense in a bit. this is sort of like a stream of consciousness thing, and i am getting it out as best i can.
so we all start with one. a nice, clear, cube. all the colors to their own sides. maybe white is for peace and serenity. maybe red is love. and green is gratitude. and blue is happiness and joy and yellow is energy and enthusiasm and orange is free thought and forgiveness. and we keep our cube on a little shelf. and it is ours. and we know just where it is. and sometimes, life gets crazy, and we take it off the shelf and we start playing with these emotions, and just a few turns of the cube and we don't have solid colors anymore, and we see sides that represent anger or frustration, guilt and pity, or depression or loss of control. and healthy people see this, see what they are doing, and STOP. they look at their cube. sometimes they see the solution right away and fix it, and place it back on the shelf. other times they may set it down, still a bit messy, and come back to it later with a clear head and solve it. other times, they see that the solution isn't clear, and they need help. they call on their Higher Power, and ask for guidance. sometimes all that is need is a suggestion from HP. "turn it twice on that side, and now once on the other. there you go. you got it now. and remember i'm here anytime you need." or sometimes, they just say "hey HP, seems i've gotten this a bit messy, i am just going to hand it over to you, okay?" and HP takes it and turns and twists, and then it's all fixed. sometimes it takes awhile, but the healthy person has faith and knows that in time, HP will restore it.
okay, you with me so far? now, here is where things get crazy.
the unhealthy person. the codependent person. we have our cube. and maybe, just maybe, there was a time in our life we handled it with the same love and respect that the healthy person does. maybe not. maybe we can't remember.
and where the insanity starts is hard to identify. but it starts somewhere. maybe we see someone, an alcoholic perhaps, our loved one, fiddling and twisting and making a big mess out of their cube. and we just know that they are only going to make it worse. "geez. would you give me that please. i can FIX it." and maybe they hand it over willingly, or maybe we tug a bit, and convince them that we CAN fix it. or maybe, they were drunk and left their cube outside, or threw it away, or whatever. so we feel we need to step in and take the cube.
so now we have their cube. and we are turning and twisting and maybe, just maybe, we get one clear side, or a few lines look good, or whatever, and we hand it back, a bit better, and then that is just the beginning.
now we, little by little, become obsessed with their cube. we see them messing it up again, and we grab it and start working on it. and we may think we ask our HP to help with this cube, that isn't ours, and we don't hear it when HP says, " i can only help YOU with YOUR cube" because we are so distracted and tangled and caught up in fixing this cube, that isn't ours. and so what is happening to our cube? the one we have been neglecting? maybe the alcoholic saw it sitting on our shelf. ignored. and we were so busy with theirs, they said, hey, what the heck, i'll mess with this one a bit. or maybe we were getting frustrated with them asking for their cube back, and we were soooooo close to fixing it, we turned and said "here, have mine for a bit. i've almost got yours figured out." woah! what is going on here? this is getting really messy.
have you ever had two rubik's cubes at the same time. a mess. and being passed around? after a few minutes you don't know which one is which. they are both a mess. so you start tossing them back and forth, convinced you can solve them, fix them. sometimes you have both. sometimes the alcoholic has both. imagine if he has both at the same time and he's drunk. crap. then you have to go get them. take over. start trying to solve them and fix them and .............
never gonna work. never gonna get better like this.
stop.
"i need MY cube back please." if you sit with them for a bit, and start listening to your HP, you begin to FEEL which one is yours again. you may have lost that for a long time, but the heart always knows. so you get your cube back. and now they have theirs.
hmmmm. okay. so once everyone has their own cube again, we have to relearn how to handle it. how to show it love and respect. and that in order to get it solved, we can't do it on our own. we need our HP. and we should only be handling our own cube. no one else's. this can be hard to remember. and just because we may start to get this doesn't mean the alcoholic will. maybe they are going to get mad because they want our cube back, or don't like the responsibility of taking care of their own cube. they don't know how to as much as we don't. but we can't do it for them. and we can't let them mess with our cube either. to each his own. and his own HP.
so now i get this. i recently got my cube back. and it's still a mess. i've been playing with it. it was gone for so long, i am becoming familiar with it again. it has a few scratches and nicks that i don't remember being there. it has been out of my care for far too long. and the other day, i was getting frustrated with my cube, and my husband saw this. and reached out to take it from me. and i almost let him. then i stopped. just like a healthy person (yeah!!!) and said, "no. this is mine. you don't own it. you don't own my emotions. i'm working on this. you tend to yours, okay?"
wow. and just like that, he let go. a revelation for him too.
we all OWN our OWN emotions.
now that i get this. now that i have my emotions back. my cube. where do i go from here?
i know, step 3. call in HP. this is where i am stuck. i got step 1. way unmanageable cube, and i am recognizing i am so powerless over everyone else's cube, and now i see i am powerless over mine as well. and step 2, i am coming to believe that i can't fix mine on my own and that i want it restored. that my HP will restore it, and me to sanity. to nice solid sides. (even as i am typing this is sinking in so much more) i need my HP.
that's it though. my being stuck. it has been so long. i don't even know what my HP is anymore. what this means to me. so many ideas about God and spirit and faith. old and new. and now, i don't quite know what i believe or where to place my faith or how to do this.
do i just set it on the shelf and say, "listen HP, i'm turning this over to you. i can't fix it. i know i have been gone for a long time. and i know i am not even sure how to believe in you, but here. it's all i have right now. it's a step. i am letting go. i am letting God."
can that really be it?
step out in faith, child.
just let go.
we are all human beings
resentments. and forgiveness. the universe keeps dropping this in my lap this week. meetings. blogs. talking with friends.
my regular tuesday meeting was really good this week. we read aloud from "how al-anon works" on detachment and forgiveness. i haven't read this book yet, so it was a great passage to hear. chapter 11 i think. there was a lot of good food for thought in that passage.
i heard a story this week. an analogy. someone was taking time for themselves, relaxing of sorts, and then HP comes and gives this image to think about. a petri dish. really huge petri dish. with nasty green colored ink in it. and they are standing in this, the alcoholic and in laws and family are all miniature people in this huge petri dish, standing in this green ink (which was described as old anger). and they look around, at the people they are most upset with, in laws in particular, and then a revelation. that we are all human beings, all together, standing in this disease of alcoholism. we all deal with it as best we can. we need to forgive each other.
i am really mad at my mother in law. i had been ignoring how mad i was at my mother in law. until i sat and listened to someone else talk about this. this analogy of this big petri dish allowed me to see my mother in law as human. a person in pain too. she is dealing with alcoholism too. her husband. her children. and i am mad at her for not being there for me. i feel she let me down, and i resent that. but she is suffering too. i was failing to see that before. i was so caught up in my anger at her, that i failed to see that she is affected by the disease as well.
i went to her, after my husband kicked me out of our room, before my leg broke. i was at my wits end. asking her for help. i had never done this. i cried and told her how bad things were and how bad the drinking was and how worried i was about her son, my husband. and she said, "if i knew how to help him i would have done it a long time ago." and then a few days later when blood work came back from the doc letting us know that my husband's liver was doing bad and triglycerides were through the roof, and he was uncaring and saying "what do i have to live for anyway" and i'm thinking "your kid, your kid, your kid you big dummy" and i call her and she says she can't do anything and i say, "well he's your son and he's dying, thought you would want to know" and i hang up and feel so alone and i am so mad that the only time in 13 years i have ever gone to her for help she wasn't there for me and i haven't talked to her since. that was september.
man, i gotta let this go! she is a person too, in this disease. she has her own pain and sense of loss and powerlessness and i am mad at her? jeez, my views have been so skewed. resentment and anger really cloud your vision. she has been dealing with my husband's alcoholism for 20 years. i have only been dealing with it for 13. and she has her husband and her other kids too that are all alchoholics. the disease is everywhere. and she hasn't faced it yet. she doesn't see how affected she is. she is lost and hurting and i was mad at her? now i am realizing that i wasn't mad at HER, i was mad that trying to talk to her was showing me that i was powerless, and i did not want to hear that. i wanted to fix all this. that was the beginning of my realizing my life was unmanageable.
so i have to let this anger go. this resentment go. it is time to forgive. it isn't doing me any good. shoot. i am realizing that i have a lot of people to do this with. man oh man. i have spent so much of my life running around frantic trying to fix things and avoid confrontation that i just kept pushing my anger and resentments down. i am mad at me, my husband, my parents, his parents, his friends. wow, i have a lot of work to do now. this is good though. face this stuff. dig through it. look at it. then let it go. forgive and be free.
let go and let god. looks like i'm beginning grasping step 2. "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." i am believing that i really can't do all this on my own. i am powerless. i get that. and we are all in this together. so i believe i need a power greater than me to get to sanity. but how? how do i do that?
step 3, here i come.
my regular tuesday meeting was really good this week. we read aloud from "how al-anon works" on detachment and forgiveness. i haven't read this book yet, so it was a great passage to hear. chapter 11 i think. there was a lot of good food for thought in that passage.
i heard a story this week. an analogy. someone was taking time for themselves, relaxing of sorts, and then HP comes and gives this image to think about. a petri dish. really huge petri dish. with nasty green colored ink in it. and they are standing in this, the alcoholic and in laws and family are all miniature people in this huge petri dish, standing in this green ink (which was described as old anger). and they look around, at the people they are most upset with, in laws in particular, and then a revelation. that we are all human beings, all together, standing in this disease of alcoholism. we all deal with it as best we can. we need to forgive each other.
i am really mad at my mother in law. i had been ignoring how mad i was at my mother in law. until i sat and listened to someone else talk about this. this analogy of this big petri dish allowed me to see my mother in law as human. a person in pain too. she is dealing with alcoholism too. her husband. her children. and i am mad at her for not being there for me. i feel she let me down, and i resent that. but she is suffering too. i was failing to see that before. i was so caught up in my anger at her, that i failed to see that she is affected by the disease as well.
i went to her, after my husband kicked me out of our room, before my leg broke. i was at my wits end. asking her for help. i had never done this. i cried and told her how bad things were and how bad the drinking was and how worried i was about her son, my husband. and she said, "if i knew how to help him i would have done it a long time ago." and then a few days later when blood work came back from the doc letting us know that my husband's liver was doing bad and triglycerides were through the roof, and he was uncaring and saying "what do i have to live for anyway" and i'm thinking "your kid, your kid, your kid you big dummy" and i call her and she says she can't do anything and i say, "well he's your son and he's dying, thought you would want to know" and i hang up and feel so alone and i am so mad that the only time in 13 years i have ever gone to her for help she wasn't there for me and i haven't talked to her since. that was september.
man, i gotta let this go! she is a person too, in this disease. she has her own pain and sense of loss and powerlessness and i am mad at her? jeez, my views have been so skewed. resentment and anger really cloud your vision. she has been dealing with my husband's alcoholism for 20 years. i have only been dealing with it for 13. and she has her husband and her other kids too that are all alchoholics. the disease is everywhere. and she hasn't faced it yet. she doesn't see how affected she is. she is lost and hurting and i was mad at her? now i am realizing that i wasn't mad at HER, i was mad that trying to talk to her was showing me that i was powerless, and i did not want to hear that. i wanted to fix all this. that was the beginning of my realizing my life was unmanageable.
so i have to let this anger go. this resentment go. it is time to forgive. it isn't doing me any good. shoot. i am realizing that i have a lot of people to do this with. man oh man. i have spent so much of my life running around frantic trying to fix things and avoid confrontation that i just kept pushing my anger and resentments down. i am mad at me, my husband, my parents, his parents, his friends. wow, i have a lot of work to do now. this is good though. face this stuff. dig through it. look at it. then let it go. forgive and be free.
let go and let god. looks like i'm beginning grasping step 2. "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." i am believing that i really can't do all this on my own. i am powerless. i get that. and we are all in this together. so i believe i need a power greater than me to get to sanity. but how? how do i do that?
step 3, here i come.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
toothpick fences
this is from storypeople, the brilliant world of stories from Brian Andreas. i get a "story of the day" email. his books and art are awesome. thought provoking. little bits of soul. i love it. this one, "toothpick fences" really spoke to me.
He built fences with whole boxes of toothpicks because he didn't have enough money for redwood. I know it's small, he said, but I don't want everybody just thinking they can walk right in & some day, it'll be bigger. Fences take practice for everyone.
wow. little boundaries. starting somewhere. even if it is with toothpicks. huge for me, to realize this.
boundaries are new to me. setting them, knowing i have the right to, remembering i have the right to, allowing myself to, and realizing that boundaries aren't walls. i don't have to fear setting boundaries, and they are little fences. with gates. you can come in, when i open the gate. don't trample my fence. you might not have seen it, but i will let you know now that it is there. it may seem small to you, but i worked hard to build this fence. and it stands for something. it stands for me. and my soul. and my life. i will defend my toothpick fence, and like the story, my fence will get bigger someday. and i will be better at this. it takes practice.
we gotta start somewhere.
defining unmanagable
so i am reflecting on my post from earlier today, filling in the blanks on how i got here and my big unmanageable moments, and i am running through the 1st step in my head and thinking about this whole "unmanageable" thing and i have a revelation. a moment. an "i think i am starting to get this" kind of thing.
and my mind is trying to "define" unmanageable. i do this a lot. define things. classify things. i like thoughts and ideas to line up nicely and orderly. they never do, but i like them that way. so i begin to define unmanageable as any time i am trying to control something i can't. or anytime i let something else control me. these things are unmanageable, because you cannot manage something you cannot control.
so if i decide to let the fact that i forgot to put the filter in my coffee maker and the automatic grinder spits coffee all over the pot and the counter and the floor and begins brewing because i have walked away and now i have no coffee and a huge mess ruin my day, then my life is unmanageable. i can't do a darn thing about it once it has happened but clean up the mess and remember to be more mindful and put the darn filter in next time and start the process over with a more conscience approach. if i let it upset me or i get flustered and frustrated and angry about it, not only do i still have a mess and no coffee, now i have let the coffee pot control my emotions, i have relinquished control of the only thing i can control, and i fail to see that this is the universe speaking to me again, saying, "for goodness sake, child. SLOW DOWN." my life is manageable when i can have this happen and i can say, oops. did it again. slow down. breathe. just clean it up. it will be okay. just for today, breathe and you can get through this. manage what you can. you. your soul. your spirit. treat yourself with kindness. let the feeling of frustration be seen, then let it go. move into peace that this is a teachable moment.
be more mindful.
be here.
slow down. slow down. slow down.
now that is manageable.
and my mind is trying to "define" unmanageable. i do this a lot. define things. classify things. i like thoughts and ideas to line up nicely and orderly. they never do, but i like them that way. so i begin to define unmanageable as any time i am trying to control something i can't. or anytime i let something else control me. these things are unmanageable, because you cannot manage something you cannot control.
so if i decide to let the fact that i forgot to put the filter in my coffee maker and the automatic grinder spits coffee all over the pot and the counter and the floor and begins brewing because i have walked away and now i have no coffee and a huge mess ruin my day, then my life is unmanageable. i can't do a darn thing about it once it has happened but clean up the mess and remember to be more mindful and put the darn filter in next time and start the process over with a more conscience approach. if i let it upset me or i get flustered and frustrated and angry about it, not only do i still have a mess and no coffee, now i have let the coffee pot control my emotions, i have relinquished control of the only thing i can control, and i fail to see that this is the universe speaking to me again, saying, "for goodness sake, child. SLOW DOWN." my life is manageable when i can have this happen and i can say, oops. did it again. slow down. breathe. just clean it up. it will be okay. just for today, breathe and you can get through this. manage what you can. you. your soul. your spirit. treat yourself with kindness. let the feeling of frustration be seen, then let it go. move into peace that this is a teachable moment.
be more mindful.
be here.
slow down. slow down. slow down.
now that is manageable.
learning my life was unmanageable pt 2
so i had a broken leg. just above my right ankle, broken in 4 places. amazingly enough, my husband had not started drinking yet that day, and met me at the hospital. i had called one of my dearest friends to come and get my son from the soccer field while i rode in a lovely ambulance to the hospital (can you say "really expensive taxi"?) so my husband meets me in the er. we had been fighting horribly for the past week and here he is looking at me like i broke my leg on purpose. like it is my fault. like how dare i take time to do something for myself like go and play soccer and then get hurt and break my leg. i mean, him getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct and getting a dui and wrecking a 4 wheeler and getting a concusion (just some of the "big" things i have lived with in our time together) aren't irresponsible, but me playing soccer is, that is of course if i get hurt.
anyway, learn the leg is broken, resolve to get into an orthopedic doc on monday, he takes me home and we await our son coming back with my friend. meanwhile, my husband's friends are sitting in the barn (this is a long story unto itself....."the barn") waiting for him to come out and watch the football game. so he thinks he is doing me some HUGE favor, taking me home from the hospital, and getting me all set inside. then he offers to help me get cleaned up before he goes out to watch the game. i mean, i was just running around on a soccer field and sweating and dirty when i broke my leg, and now it is in a splint and i'm in pain and of course it would make sense if he helped me get cleaned up and into comfy clothes and on the couch......not at all what he wanted. he wanted sex. i mean, we hadn't had sex in two weeks, cause i was getting so fed up at being his other drug. his addictions: sex and alcohol (and spending and power and...). so after YEARS of being the mid day sedative so he could take a nap before heading out to drink all night (we stopped having sex at night long ago when i couldn't take the smell of beer anymore and he passed out on top of me one to many times) one day i said i wasn't in the mood. simple as that. i never said no. or that i wasn't in the mood. i knew what would happen if i did. i mean, our sex life had been reduced to an act that satiated him for a day or two. it wasn't about us, it wasn't about love anymore, it was a drug. pure and simple. and i just wasn't in the mood. i was tired and had enough. i'd been doing this for years, losing myself. and one day, one stinking day, i'm not in the mood. i actually said no (read as "i am starting to set boundaries and don't even know it) and he told me to get out of our room. that was a wednesday. we had been together on monday. i couldn't believe it. really? i am not allowed back in my bed unless we have sex? it isn't like it had been months or something. i was a responsible compliant "drug dealer" making sure he got 3 to 4 doses per week to keep the ugly monster at bay. by saturday he was moving all of my clothes out of my closet into the guest room. and by the next saturday i was being locked out of my house and then broke my leg on sunday. i wasn't allowed to not be in the mood for ONE stinking day. i was a drug. amazing the power i had, that he gave me. not like beer, that he could go get anytime, i had to be compliant. he was so lost and sad and a mess he couldn't see what we had become, what he was doing to me....but i had started to see....i had been feeling there was something major wrong for a long time, but i couldn't put my finger on it, couldn't quite place it, and just out of sheer fear of the unknown and confrontation, i kept doing my part, kept enabling, just coping out of the need to merely survive, doing what i could to hold the family together and focus on my son and me.
so i am standing there (on one leg) in the bathroom, naked in so many ways, so vulnerable, and he is just looking at me like how dare i not have sex right now. and i say out loud "right now, really. jeez, i just broke my leg. i'm in pain." and i am crying and confused and hurting in so many ways and he is just angry. he kicked me out of my room and locked me out of the house and now, broken and hurt, he wanted me to want him. UGH! he stormed out of the house, to "the barn" and i didn't see him again for hours. while i had to get to the couch and enlist the help of my 7 year old to get me water and help get us both dinner and go about our life like we did every night, without dad, just us two. dad was physically only 300 feet away, but on his way to being 15 beers and light years away from us.
this is starting to sink in. when i really need him, when i am broken and down and really truly NEED him, he isn't there. this life i was living telling myself it would all be okay and that we would be okay and that i was taking care of our son and myself and that someday, anyday now, he would get it. he would see. yet, i was alone. broken and alone. and desperatly wanting nothing more than to "stand" up for myself, "stand" on my own two feet, and the universe swooped in and was making me sit on my ass.
the next day he gets up early and gets on the internet to find me a good doctor. he loves me, he is just lost, lost, lost. so we get in amazingly enough with one of the best sports orthopedic doctors in the country, specializing in.....ankles! within a few hours we learn that if i ever want to play soccer again, and run my half-marathons and triathalons, and just be the active girl i am, chasing after my son and running as my mental health time (somedays when i run i am running away, others i am running toward, others i am running just to feel alive) then i need surgery. doc has an opening on tuesday. he can get me in right away....if my foot doesn't swell and i vow to keep it elevated, above my heart (read as "keep my cheeks on the couch with my foot on pillows at all costs") til the next day when he can get us in for surgery. so we go home, pack up kiddo to head to grandma's, and then........he goes out to the barn. then out to a bar with his friends. no need to worry about wifey home alone on the couch, scared and broken. he does bring me home dinner though! see, he thinks of me! and the next day i have surgery. fitted with a new titanium plate and six screws. compliments of the crazy soccer girl that i can think elmo on rollerskates had more skill. and compliments of the crazy universe that knew that there was no way i was going to sit down and take a real hard look at my life if i wasn't forced too.
so does hubby stay in the house that night? i mean, i just had surgery right? nope. off to the barn. beer calls. friends call. score: beer 100,000,000 - me 0.
well, my parents have watched the dysfunctional codependent mess take place for a long time. mostly silent, but always supportive of what i outwardly professed to want. my dad and step-mom had issues with alchohol at times when i was growing up, and my dad's parents are alcoholics (i lived with grandma....that is a story too), my step-mom's parents were alcoholics, my little sis is a recovered drug addict that still drinks....but she is doing great, and married to another recovered but still drinking drug addict. and guess what my addiction is? fixing things. god i like to fix things. i want to help everyone. people please. make it all better. mother. nurture. UGH! i didn't know it yet that i was codependent....that is a few weeks away yet. so my parents know we have been having problems and know if they don't come visit my 4600 square foot house (oh, whole nother story.......losing the house) and my son and my 3 dogs and me will fall apart. so they get here on friday morning. gonna spend the weekend, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kid and whatnot. and hubby.....out to the barn.
well, friday night comes around and i haven't been out of the house except to the hospital all week. i can't drive (right leg, remember) so i am basically trapped in my house. and trapped in my head. and i am so close to just falling apart. but staying "positive" and "strong" because i am the mom. i am the pillar. i am the family. I MUST NOT FALL APART!
sooooooo, i get to leave the house. my friends from soccer come pick me up and take me to our indoor friday night game. my parents are watching my son. my husband is ....... uh...... drinking. and i am feeling good. i am out and chatting and feeling okay. then my foot starts to feel a bit funny. kinda tight. the cast is uncomfortable. i had followed all the docs instructions. elevation for 72 hours, then getting up and around a bit. i had done all of that. now it is getting late and i really don't like how this feels. it is starting to feel really numb and weird and i think i just need to get it up. on the couch. so i get home and everyone is asleep. parents in the guest room (my stuff is in piles in the closet.....hard to explain to them i had been kicked out of my room for not being in the mood, so they don't even bother to ask, but step-mom knows, she is no dummy), kiddo in his bed, and hubby passed out snoring in the master bedroom. so i go to the couch, put my foot up, and wait. it is not getting better. i am getting scared. crap. "mimi" (that is what we call my step-mom) "i need you. something is wrong." we call the oncall doc. my doc is at a conference. doc says get to the er. i am like, "really?" it can't be that bad. really. "listen. you could lose your foot. get to an er now." okay, okay. what to do. try to wake hubby. too passed out. tell my dad that mimi is taking me to the hospital, we will call.
go to local er. they cut of the cast. still can't feel the foot. possible nerve damage. need to go downtown, to the main hospitals. it's 2am. mimi doesn't know the area. i'm in the back seat, trying not to lose it. trying to stay calm. i could lose my foot. crap. what on earth is happening to my life. and i am crying. and i am rambling on and on.......about...................my husband. not me. not that i am in some serious trouble here. but what am i going to do about him. how can i help him. i am so worried about HIM. and saying "he loves me the best he can". and mimi, oh wise mimi, says "that is the same thing you said about your mother (again, whole nother story). she loved you the best she could. you couldn't save her and you can't save him." crap. crap. crap.
so we get downtown. wait for hours. get 3 different splints put on. still can't feel foot. docs don't know if i will get feeling back. need to wait. see my doc on monday. hopefully it will get better. not sure if permanent nerve damage has set in, but circulation is better and certain foot will remain attached......... and i keep calling my husbands cell phone. still passed out. not waking up. i have been gone all night, scared, and he doesn't even know.
mimi and i don't get home til 8am. my son had to wake up without me there. thank god i had my dad there. and my husband was confused but not totally concerned when he learned what my night had been like. back to usual with him. out to the barn later, miller lite calling.
and here it is. the unmanageability. the major ahah moment. the oh my god where had my life come to moment. just a tiny thought that creeps in after all of this happened. and i got to sit and chew on it for a while. scary lonely thoughts........
if my parents had not been there..........had they not come to visit.......and the doc on the phone is telling me i NEED to get to an er.............or i will lose my foot.........and i can't drive........and my husband is passed out..........and my kid is sleeping upstairs..............i would have done...........NOTHING.
nothing. i would have waited it out. sure it was going to get better. sure i was over reacting. sure the doc on the phone was blowing things out of proportion. i mean, who was i going to wake up at midnight to take me to the hospital. call one of my friends, and tell them my husband was passed out but i needed someone to take me to the hospital and watch my kid. are you kidding me? how EMBARRASSING! and call an ambulance? are you insane? and tell the paramedics what? when you can see the master bed from the front door as you come in, "oh, don't mind the snoring lump on the bed. he's had a case of beer tonight and can't be woken. and by the way, do you have a babysitter with you? my 7 year old is asleep upstairs. but i might lose my foot, so we should get going, don't you think?"
nothing. i know it deep down. i would have done nothing.
but my parents were here. they were my angels that day.
and i have my foot.
and i am regaining sanity.
but that was unmanageable.
really unmanageable.
wow did the universe really have to hit me over the head to get me to see.
i'm still rubbing the bump!
anyway, learn the leg is broken, resolve to get into an orthopedic doc on monday, he takes me home and we await our son coming back with my friend. meanwhile, my husband's friends are sitting in the barn (this is a long story unto itself....."the barn") waiting for him to come out and watch the football game. so he thinks he is doing me some HUGE favor, taking me home from the hospital, and getting me all set inside. then he offers to help me get cleaned up before he goes out to watch the game. i mean, i was just running around on a soccer field and sweating and dirty when i broke my leg, and now it is in a splint and i'm in pain and of course it would make sense if he helped me get cleaned up and into comfy clothes and on the couch......not at all what he wanted. he wanted sex. i mean, we hadn't had sex in two weeks, cause i was getting so fed up at being his other drug. his addictions: sex and alcohol (and spending and power and...). so after YEARS of being the mid day sedative so he could take a nap before heading out to drink all night (we stopped having sex at night long ago when i couldn't take the smell of beer anymore and he passed out on top of me one to many times) one day i said i wasn't in the mood. simple as that. i never said no. or that i wasn't in the mood. i knew what would happen if i did. i mean, our sex life had been reduced to an act that satiated him for a day or two. it wasn't about us, it wasn't about love anymore, it was a drug. pure and simple. and i just wasn't in the mood. i was tired and had enough. i'd been doing this for years, losing myself. and one day, one stinking day, i'm not in the mood. i actually said no (read as "i am starting to set boundaries and don't even know it) and he told me to get out of our room. that was a wednesday. we had been together on monday. i couldn't believe it. really? i am not allowed back in my bed unless we have sex? it isn't like it had been months or something. i was a responsible compliant "drug dealer" making sure he got 3 to 4 doses per week to keep the ugly monster at bay. by saturday he was moving all of my clothes out of my closet into the guest room. and by the next saturday i was being locked out of my house and then broke my leg on sunday. i wasn't allowed to not be in the mood for ONE stinking day. i was a drug. amazing the power i had, that he gave me. not like beer, that he could go get anytime, i had to be compliant. he was so lost and sad and a mess he couldn't see what we had become, what he was doing to me....but i had started to see....i had been feeling there was something major wrong for a long time, but i couldn't put my finger on it, couldn't quite place it, and just out of sheer fear of the unknown and confrontation, i kept doing my part, kept enabling, just coping out of the need to merely survive, doing what i could to hold the family together and focus on my son and me.
so i am standing there (on one leg) in the bathroom, naked in so many ways, so vulnerable, and he is just looking at me like how dare i not have sex right now. and i say out loud "right now, really. jeez, i just broke my leg. i'm in pain." and i am crying and confused and hurting in so many ways and he is just angry. he kicked me out of my room and locked me out of the house and now, broken and hurt, he wanted me to want him. UGH! he stormed out of the house, to "the barn" and i didn't see him again for hours. while i had to get to the couch and enlist the help of my 7 year old to get me water and help get us both dinner and go about our life like we did every night, without dad, just us two. dad was physically only 300 feet away, but on his way to being 15 beers and light years away from us.
this is starting to sink in. when i really need him, when i am broken and down and really truly NEED him, he isn't there. this life i was living telling myself it would all be okay and that we would be okay and that i was taking care of our son and myself and that someday, anyday now, he would get it. he would see. yet, i was alone. broken and alone. and desperatly wanting nothing more than to "stand" up for myself, "stand" on my own two feet, and the universe swooped in and was making me sit on my ass.
the next day he gets up early and gets on the internet to find me a good doctor. he loves me, he is just lost, lost, lost. so we get in amazingly enough with one of the best sports orthopedic doctors in the country, specializing in.....ankles! within a few hours we learn that if i ever want to play soccer again, and run my half-marathons and triathalons, and just be the active girl i am, chasing after my son and running as my mental health time (somedays when i run i am running away, others i am running toward, others i am running just to feel alive) then i need surgery. doc has an opening on tuesday. he can get me in right away....if my foot doesn't swell and i vow to keep it elevated, above my heart (read as "keep my cheeks on the couch with my foot on pillows at all costs") til the next day when he can get us in for surgery. so we go home, pack up kiddo to head to grandma's, and then........he goes out to the barn. then out to a bar with his friends. no need to worry about wifey home alone on the couch, scared and broken. he does bring me home dinner though! see, he thinks of me! and the next day i have surgery. fitted with a new titanium plate and six screws. compliments of the crazy soccer girl that i can think elmo on rollerskates had more skill. and compliments of the crazy universe that knew that there was no way i was going to sit down and take a real hard look at my life if i wasn't forced too.
so does hubby stay in the house that night? i mean, i just had surgery right? nope. off to the barn. beer calls. friends call. score: beer 100,000,000 - me 0.
well, my parents have watched the dysfunctional codependent mess take place for a long time. mostly silent, but always supportive of what i outwardly professed to want. my dad and step-mom had issues with alchohol at times when i was growing up, and my dad's parents are alcoholics (i lived with grandma....that is a story too), my step-mom's parents were alcoholics, my little sis is a recovered drug addict that still drinks....but she is doing great, and married to another recovered but still drinking drug addict. and guess what my addiction is? fixing things. god i like to fix things. i want to help everyone. people please. make it all better. mother. nurture. UGH! i didn't know it yet that i was codependent....that is a few weeks away yet. so my parents know we have been having problems and know if they don't come visit my 4600 square foot house (oh, whole nother story.......losing the house) and my son and my 3 dogs and me will fall apart. so they get here on friday morning. gonna spend the weekend, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kid and whatnot. and hubby.....out to the barn.
well, friday night comes around and i haven't been out of the house except to the hospital all week. i can't drive (right leg, remember) so i am basically trapped in my house. and trapped in my head. and i am so close to just falling apart. but staying "positive" and "strong" because i am the mom. i am the pillar. i am the family. I MUST NOT FALL APART!
sooooooo, i get to leave the house. my friends from soccer come pick me up and take me to our indoor friday night game. my parents are watching my son. my husband is ....... uh...... drinking. and i am feeling good. i am out and chatting and feeling okay. then my foot starts to feel a bit funny. kinda tight. the cast is uncomfortable. i had followed all the docs instructions. elevation for 72 hours, then getting up and around a bit. i had done all of that. now it is getting late and i really don't like how this feels. it is starting to feel really numb and weird and i think i just need to get it up. on the couch. so i get home and everyone is asleep. parents in the guest room (my stuff is in piles in the closet.....hard to explain to them i had been kicked out of my room for not being in the mood, so they don't even bother to ask, but step-mom knows, she is no dummy), kiddo in his bed, and hubby passed out snoring in the master bedroom. so i go to the couch, put my foot up, and wait. it is not getting better. i am getting scared. crap. "mimi" (that is what we call my step-mom) "i need you. something is wrong." we call the oncall doc. my doc is at a conference. doc says get to the er. i am like, "really?" it can't be that bad. really. "listen. you could lose your foot. get to an er now." okay, okay. what to do. try to wake hubby. too passed out. tell my dad that mimi is taking me to the hospital, we will call.
go to local er. they cut of the cast. still can't feel the foot. possible nerve damage. need to go downtown, to the main hospitals. it's 2am. mimi doesn't know the area. i'm in the back seat, trying not to lose it. trying to stay calm. i could lose my foot. crap. what on earth is happening to my life. and i am crying. and i am rambling on and on.......about...................my husband. not me. not that i am in some serious trouble here. but what am i going to do about him. how can i help him. i am so worried about HIM. and saying "he loves me the best he can". and mimi, oh wise mimi, says "that is the same thing you said about your mother (again, whole nother story). she loved you the best she could. you couldn't save her and you can't save him." crap. crap. crap.
so we get downtown. wait for hours. get 3 different splints put on. still can't feel foot. docs don't know if i will get feeling back. need to wait. see my doc on monday. hopefully it will get better. not sure if permanent nerve damage has set in, but circulation is better and certain foot will remain attached......... and i keep calling my husbands cell phone. still passed out. not waking up. i have been gone all night, scared, and he doesn't even know.
mimi and i don't get home til 8am. my son had to wake up without me there. thank god i had my dad there. and my husband was confused but not totally concerned when he learned what my night had been like. back to usual with him. out to the barn later, miller lite calling.
and here it is. the unmanageability. the major ahah moment. the oh my god where had my life come to moment. just a tiny thought that creeps in after all of this happened. and i got to sit and chew on it for a while. scary lonely thoughts........
if my parents had not been there..........had they not come to visit.......and the doc on the phone is telling me i NEED to get to an er.............or i will lose my foot.........and i can't drive........and my husband is passed out..........and my kid is sleeping upstairs..............i would have done...........NOTHING.
nothing. i would have waited it out. sure it was going to get better. sure i was over reacting. sure the doc on the phone was blowing things out of proportion. i mean, who was i going to wake up at midnight to take me to the hospital. call one of my friends, and tell them my husband was passed out but i needed someone to take me to the hospital and watch my kid. are you kidding me? how EMBARRASSING! and call an ambulance? are you insane? and tell the paramedics what? when you can see the master bed from the front door as you come in, "oh, don't mind the snoring lump on the bed. he's had a case of beer tonight and can't be woken. and by the way, do you have a babysitter with you? my 7 year old is asleep upstairs. but i might lose my foot, so we should get going, don't you think?"
nothing. i know it deep down. i would have done nothing.
but my parents were here. they were my angels that day.
and i have my foot.
and i am regaining sanity.
but that was unmanageable.
really unmanageable.
wow did the universe really have to hit me over the head to get me to see.
i'm still rubbing the bump!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
