hey, that's my bad mood, give it back

i was recently in a bad mood. just your average, run of the mill, not every day is great, bad mood. and my husband was trying to take it over.

this is one of the great new lessons i have learned since i started going to al-anon and recognizing my codependence: i don't own your emotions and you don't own mine. now, healthy people may think that's nuts. but i was tangled. i had no idea where my emotions ended and my alcoholic husband's emotions began. after years of taking on his problems, moods, issues, and making them mine, and trying to fix them, or enable them, or avoid them, or all the other crazy controlling things i was doing, i lost me. i didn't see it. but i was all tangled up. my emotions were his. my moods were his. everything was a mess.

like a unsolved rubik's cube.

all messed up.

no clarity. no consistency.

just one big mess.

so i have this vision. this idea as i am thinking about the steps and my Higher Power and boundaries and emotions and all this and i get it.

this analogy. our emotions are like rubik's cubes.

bear with me here. it makes sense in a bit. this is sort of like a stream of consciousness thing, and i am getting it out as best i can.

so we all start with one. a nice, clear, cube. all the colors to their own sides. maybe white is for peace and serenity. maybe red is love. and green is gratitude. and blue is happiness and joy and yellow is energy and enthusiasm and orange is free thought and forgiveness. and we keep our cube on a little shelf. and it is ours. and we know just where it is. and sometimes, life gets crazy, and we take it off the shelf and we start playing with these emotions, and just a few turns of the cube and we don't have solid colors anymore, and we see sides that represent anger or frustration, guilt and pity, or depression or loss of control. and healthy people see this, see what they are doing, and STOP. they look at their cube. sometimes they see the solution right away and fix it, and place it back on the shelf. other times they may set it down, still a bit messy, and come back to it later with a clear head and solve it. other times, they see that the solution isn't clear, and they need help. they call on their Higher Power, and ask for guidance. sometimes all that is need is a suggestion from HP. "turn it twice on that side, and now once on the other. there you go. you got it now. and remember i'm here anytime you need." or sometimes, they just say "hey HP, seems i've gotten this a bit messy, i am just going to hand it over to you, okay?" and HP takes it and turns and twists, and then it's all fixed. sometimes it takes awhile, but the healthy person has faith and knows that in time, HP will restore it.

okay, you with me so far? now, here is where things get crazy.

the unhealthy person. the codependent person. we have our cube. and maybe, just maybe, there was a time in our life we handled it with the same love and respect that the healthy person does. maybe not. maybe we can't remember.

and where the insanity starts is hard to identify. but it starts somewhere. maybe we see someone, an alcoholic perhaps, our loved one, fiddling and twisting and making a big mess out of their cube. and we just know that they are only going to make it worse. "geez. would you give me that please. i can FIX it." and maybe they hand it over willingly, or maybe we tug a bit, and convince them that we CAN fix it. or maybe, they were drunk and left their cube outside, or threw it away, or whatever. so we feel we need to step in and take the cube.

so now we have their cube. and we are turning and twisting and maybe, just maybe, we get one clear side, or a few lines look good, or whatever, and we hand it back, a bit better, and then that is just the beginning.

now we, little by little, become obsessed with their cube. we see them messing it up again, and we grab it and start working on it. and we may think we ask our HP to help with this cube, that isn't ours, and we don't hear it when HP says, " i can only help YOU with YOUR cube" because we are so distracted and tangled and caught up in fixing this cube, that isn't ours. and so what is happening to our cube? the one we have been neglecting? maybe the alcoholic saw it sitting on our shelf. ignored. and we were so busy with theirs, they said, hey, what the heck, i'll mess with this one a bit. or maybe we were getting frustrated with them asking for their cube back, and we were soooooo close to fixing it, we turned and said "here, have mine for a bit. i've almost got yours figured out." woah! what is going on here? this is getting really messy.

have you ever had two rubik's cubes at the same time. a mess. and being passed around? after a few minutes you don't know which one is which. they are both a mess. so you start tossing them back and forth, convinced you can solve them, fix them. sometimes you have both. sometimes the alcoholic has both. imagine if he has both at the same time and he's drunk. crap. then you have to go get them. take over. start trying to solve them and fix them and .............

never gonna work. never gonna get better like this.

stop.

"i need MY cube back please." if you sit with them for a bit, and start listening to your HP, you begin to FEEL which one is yours again. you may have lost that for a long time, but the heart always knows. so you get your cube back. and now they have theirs.

hmmmm. okay. so once everyone has their own cube again, we have to relearn how to handle it. how to show it love and respect. and that in order to get it solved, we can't do it on our own. we need our HP. and we should only be handling our own cube. no one else's. this can be hard to remember. and just because we may start to get this doesn't mean the alcoholic will. maybe they are going to get mad because they want our cube back, or don't like the responsibility of taking care of their own cube. they don't know how to as much as we don't. but we can't do it for them. and we can't let them mess with our cube either. to each his own. and his own HP.

so now i get this. i recently got my cube back. and it's still a mess. i've been playing with it. it was gone for so long, i am becoming familiar with it again. it has a few scratches and nicks that i don't remember being there. it has been out of my care for far too long. and the other day, i was getting frustrated with my cube, and my husband saw this. and reached out to take it from me. and i almost let him. then i stopped. just like a healthy person (yeah!!!) and said, "no. this is mine. you don't own it. you don't own my emotions. i'm working on this. you tend to yours, okay?"

wow. and just like that, he let go. a revelation for him too.

we all OWN our OWN emotions.

now that i get this. now that i have my emotions back. my cube. where do i go from here?

i know, step 3. call in HP. this is where i am stuck. i got step 1. way unmanageable cube, and i am recognizing i am so powerless over everyone else's cube, and now i see i am powerless over mine as well. and step 2, i am coming to believe that i can't fix mine on my own and that i want it restored. that my HP will restore it, and me to sanity. to nice solid sides. (even as i am typing this is sinking in so much more) i need my HP.

that's it though. my being stuck. it has been so long. i don't even know what my HP is anymore. what this means to me. so many ideas about God and spirit and faith. old and new. and now, i don't quite know what i believe or where to place my faith or how to do this.

do i just set it on the shelf and say, "listen HP, i'm turning this over to you. i can't fix it. i know i have been gone for a long time. and i know i am not even sure how to believe in you, but here. it's all i have right now. it's a step. i am letting go. i am letting God."

can that really be it?

step out in faith, child.
just let go.